Overwhelming

 Overwhelming gratitude scrolling through the names on the spreadsheet of donations. Names of friends, acquaintances, strangers, family, coworkers, past & present students, people who we connected with for many years - others for moments who took their own personal time and resources to give. I have a stack of thank you cards I look at everyday and tell myself to start on, but the overwhelm. The overwhelm of gratitude that others would take time out of their own lives to give. The overwhelm of the generosity. It overwhelms me with so much - love, gratitude, peace that we aren't alone. 

This feels like the loneliest journey to be on - to have my other half disabled with paralysis. I have tasted the overwhelm of love and thankfulness that we didn't lose him, but there is a louder voice of overwhelm that tries to pull my attention. The overwhelm of all the things: what his body is now compared to what it may be in a few months, the fear of change, the shift from stable professional lives to uncertainty, the unknown of future medical problems that come with spinal cord injury, the impact on our marriage and kids, and the loss of so many things - some bigger than others, but all have their own pain.

I am overwhelmed with trying to process what we have lived through this last month, from running down our hill to see his body laying there, the 911 call, the team getting him out of the woods, the helicopter, the ICU, the medical flight to CO, living at hospital during the day and walking the two blocks to sleep in an apartment every night. This feels like a weighty event to process, and it is so fresh. I am overwhelmed by that trauma our kids endured - they all were by his side as he calmly said "I love you" on repeat, they saw him at the ICU, they see his broken body daily. It is overwhelming. But they also see that it is still him - his micro gains and wins each day - they still have their parents.