Holding both

Holding two contradictions simultaneously seems unnatural for us, but I think we end up doing it more often than we know. I am finding myself wrestling with so many shifting realities that ebb and flow throughout the day. I can be grateful and deeply saddened, joyful and sorrowful, crying tears of grief while remembering hope - this constant contradiction of emotions and reality. 

Our family is so thankful we have Jake, that he is still Jake. About half of the patients at Craig are spinal cord injuries, the other half TBI - we witness everyday the uphill climb a traumatic brain injury patient and family learns to navigate. I have found myself in a constant battle to keep myself from the trap of suffering comparison: justifying that everything is fine because Jake doesn't have a brain injury, then being jealous of seeing another patient who has full access to innervating their arms. I never thought I would be jealous of someone paralyzed in a wheelchair, but I finding myself looking at others and wishing that Jake's injury would have happened just a few vertebrae lower. I am working really hard to take each thought captive and to celebrate with each person their own successes - recently I was able to rejoice with a parent whose son was able to walk with assistance, my heart rejoiced and we cried together about this awesome milestone. I want to focus more on this - seeing the abundance instead of the scarcity. There is plenty of joy to go around, it doesn't mean if someone's healing goes faster than Jakes that there is something wrong with Jake. We continue to hear at Craig "We have seen every spinal cord injury, but this if the first time we have seen Jake's" - everyone's healing and journey will be different.

In this regard, it has been really hard for me to receive messages about others' journeys with a spinal cord injury. I know that the messages are sent with great intentions to encourage me, but right now they don't. I have read a few stories on my own time and will continue to at my own pace. But hearing about people who leave Craig walking - it gives this pressure like it is an expectation that Jake should and if he doesn't, he is not as strong or dedicated as the other person. I am praying for miracles, we all need to, but also preparing for what reality we know of today. We don't have a crystal ball to see where Jake will be in 3 months, the stories of people leaving here walking are so great - they are just too much for me right now when our today's reality is all we know.