Plans

Not much is linear here. There are huge leaps and then minor gains, setbacks that wipe Jake out for days. It is really weird to have this different body that doesn't perform the same as it used to or how the rest of us do. This week we rode many waves - ups and downs. On Monday, Jake finally felt totally back to himself after an infection. He had a few procedures done on Monday morning, including removing his tracheostomy. His toes and legs moved for the first time. It felt so good to see so much goodness! That afternoon, we got a call that our cat was injured and needed to be put down. Talk about highs and lows - after a great day, we needed up sharing the news with our kids and tried our best to be there for each one in their own grief of losing a pet. George was a good cat! Thank you to our sweet neighbors who have taken such great care of our cats - we are sad that Felix is alone now but know that he is getting lots of love from our neighbors. On Tuesday, we met with a team at ...

 Overwhelming gratitude scrolling through the names on the spreadsheet of donations. Names of friends, acquaintances, strangers, family, coworkers, past & present students, people who we connected with for many years - others for moments who took their own personal time and resources to give. I have a stack of thank you cards I look at everyday and tell myself to start on, but the overwhelm. The overwhelm of gratitude that others would take time out of their own lives to give. The overwhelm of the generosity. It overwhelms me with so much - love, gratitude, peace that we aren't alone.  This feels like the loneliest journey to be on - to have my other half disabled with paralysis. I have tasted the overwhelm of love and thankfulness that we didn't lose him, but there is a louder voice of overwhelm that tries to pull my attention. The overwhelm of all the things: what his body is now compared to what it may be in a few months, the fear of change, the shift from stable profes...

Holding two contradictions simultaneously seems unnatural for us, but I think we end up doing it more often than we know. I am finding myself wrestling with so many shifting realities that ebb and flow throughout the day. I can be grateful and deeply saddened, joyful and sorrowful, crying tears of grief while remembering hope - this constant contradiction of emotions and reality.  Our family is so thankful we have Jake, that he is still Jake. About half of the patients at Craig are spinal cord injuries, the other half TBI - we witness everyday the uphill climb a traumatic brain injury patient and family learns to navigate. I have found myself in a constant battle to keep myself from the trap of suffering comparison: justifying that everything is fine because Jake doesn't have a brain injury, then being jealous of seeing another patient who has full access to innervating their arms. I never thought I would be jealous of someone paralyzed in a wheelchair, but I finding myself looking...